Are you for real?

I have known this person for years now. I haven't known him personally but i feel like i knew him beyond any imagination can. Do you believe in long distance love affair? I've been there once and now Im not sure if I still feel the same. I do but I think the feelings have been kept inside and nurtured through the years. I cant believe I have been this fool. Thinking someone that's not suppose to be remembered but i just cant help myself.

i Was thinking if im doing the right thing. Keeping in touch with the person im not supposed to. Talking to him like we used to talk before. Having endless conversation without thinking if that was right. maybe yes. my heart said it is, my mind contradict a part of it and my conscience doesnt want it. I have sleepless night wondering if what would I do. considering having a boyfriend, very well honest and gives me time. I have this feeling that I should treasure this man but a part of me tells that I should be fair. Fair enough to let him know about my thoughts, my feelings, my plans. Never before we had a conversation like this. I want to tell him one of those but i just. The moment i tried to open up this topic I lost my courage. I dont want to hurt him and be hurt. I know would. eventually and sooner or later. he's just a good man. I was torn between them. A man I know personally, have been together for 2 years now. have shared intimate moments and chats. shared hopes and plans for the future. I have been neglecting him once in a while. he promised me tomorrow and forever. Oh. I would love to hear that. He promised me everything and he's just everything what a woman want. I cared for him. Loved him. think of him. but when the other turns up everything changes in just a wink of an eye. I can forget everything just to have a good conversation. And Im confused right now.

I have been asking advice from a friend of what to do. Somehow i feel better now. Im afraid of the future. I dont like to move. I dont want to do the first move but they too would never. the other didn't have an idea and the other just waiting for me to decide wheter or not the choice is with him or not. How ironic! Life it is! I am just starting to feel life. To live life. To suffer what the world offered for us and what could we do in return. I have been so naive all these years to let the things happen for themselves. I haven't made a choice of my life. I know I should do But im afraid what would it turns out to be. And if it is, I dont know if it brings me happiness. Somehow, in one way or the other, I know I should better thinks fast, think quickly before I might run out of choices. Im so afraid lord God. If I would be ask, I would rather be in a place to see only what brings out to me. Not today, right now, right here, so helpless, so disturbed, havent move on.

some friends told me to meet him up. to see if he's real. to see his worth. to see the person i have been longing this days. A friend had said that dont hope for someone your not sure existed. but I know, I knew, and I really knew that he is. They have been open to me that he's not worth that much. I know my friends are already tired of my drama and they might not understand what i feel, what i know, whats bothering me. and i preferred to talk to a stranger. tell what i feel coz "somehow i wont bother if he agrees or disagrees with me. what he/she would think of me becoz he/she just a stranger and i wont bother to react about their opinions and in one way or the other, there is a person that you feel comfortable with, to share emotions."

i have been writing this praticular blog continuously and im writing it fully, without pause. Thoughts have been filling my head, Ideas to express. and I feel its not me at all or its the other part of me. I am not a writer. not even in my journal. I dont write. I suck in english. yet I have been writing like theres tomorrow. Somebody give me advice pls.

I dont want to be always like this. I want to improve. I want to grow up. Could somebody give me advice?